Mother's Day: Here Comes Another One!

If there were ever a specific day of the year that I both appreciate and dread all at the same time, it's Mother's Day. I know it seems strange that being a mom and still having my mom around that I could dread a day focused on celebrating moms. Why is that? Let me start with the appreciation part, then I will move onto why I dread it.

I have a nine year old son who I love dearly. He makes me laugh, smile, and if I'm being honest, occasionally he also makes me want to scream, but what young boy doesn't at one time or another have that effect on women! He is a great kid and I am proud that he calls me mom.

I also have a great mother of my own. She has always made great sacrifices for me and my brother and sister. She put all of us through private school our entire school career. None of us ever went to public school. Living where we did growing up, I am eternally grateful for that sacrifice. I don't remember a time that we ever went without the things that we needed and everyone except mom generally got the things that they wanted. Mom never really went out and shopped for herself and I remember being glad the few times I remember her doing that. Again, sacrificing for the rest of us. I love my mom very much and even though I don't say it often enough, I sincerely appreciate everything she has ever done for me.

While I have a great son and mom to celebrate with, the last few years I have not looked forward to Mother's Day. Somewhat because I often feel guilty that I don't always buy my mom a present. It makes me feel like a terrible kid. I also don't always go see her on Mother's Day. I'll try to call her, but is that really enough?

I also feel like there is a part of me missing on Mother's Day. About seven years ago, I had a miscarriage. Most of the time I don't think about it, but days like this one make me feel like a part of my family is missing. I wasn't far enough along to know if it was going to be a boy or a girl, but John believes it was a girl. I picture a little girl running around with curly blonde pigtails and blue green eyes. I think about how great of a big brother Jonathan would be and how many times he has asked for a baby brother or sister. I think about all the time my mom and I spent in Girl Scouts or doing crafty things, or me learning how to sew, cross-stitch, plastic canvas, latchook, etc. I think about how cool it would be to be able to teach those things to a daughter. I think about the memories I have of all that with my mom and I wonder if I will ever have that from a moms perspective.

I also honestly don't feel like a good mom. I take care of necessities, but I fall extremely short when it comes to spending quality time with my son. Maybe it's because I don't have cool boy stuff to teach him. Maybe it's because of all the other things racing around in my mind all the time. Either way, it's unfair that he is going to grow up and think back on his childhood and probably remember playing alone in his room more than anything. He doesn't complain and he generally goes to his room on his own, but what is he going to say about me when he grows up?

So, my plans for this Mother's Day include going to church with my family, calling or going by to see my mom, maybe a movie/game night with my boy, and thanking God for raising my baby in heaven!